20100117

To Reach the Impossible...

San Francisco - Oakland Bay Bridge
From my Phonecam, January 2010

 ... is impossible. And yet that which I always want most is that which will always be far beyond my grasp. I would like to think that I use those wants to strive to do more and better things and that I take time to appreciate and enjoy each small progress. But I fear it is more a manifestation of some deep self loathing. Rather than striving for the achievable, I choose the unattainable, providing fodder for the argument of why I am a failure. That end goal will always be there to taunt me with what can never be.

Due in part to the faltering economy and in part to bad decisions stemming from poor judgement and unreasonable goals, I am in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment. I have been running away from my problems by spending more time online, but it is time to start turning things around by doing what I always do in times of crisis: taking a step away from everyone and everything and into myself -- my violin, my guitar, my housemate's drums, my brain -- so I can regroup, assess my situation and dig myself out. I am not sure what I will find on the other side, but I know that I need to get through on my own. The difference this time is that I wish I did have someone to lean on.  I hope that during my search within myself I do not lose what means the most to me.