Looking Back

Piglet and Steven head south

 Le cerveau est contrariant. Il oublie bien trop vite ce qu'on a besoin de se souvenir et ne se souvient que trop bien ce qu'on a besoin d'oublier.

The brain is a contrarian. It forgets all too quickly what we need to remember and remembers all too well what we need to forget.

I began blogging 5 years ago to work my way through my midlife crisis and attempt to find myself. I can now honestly say I am still lost! But I learned a little about myself.

Nasturtium in my garden
September 2010

My midlife crisis has been backward. Just as everyone in my peer group is becoming unsettled and breaking from obligations, I long for something or someone to call home. Many of my peers, recently divorced and/or with children old enough to spread their own wings, are reasserting their independence. I, who have been fiercely independent my whole life, never married, no kids, now yearn for a solid anchor point. Unfortunately, I still make the same mistakes: I fall hardest for the unattainable, and I think that will always be the case. The heart wants what it wants and mine always seems to want the impossible.

I've always been an oddball, though, so it should be no surprise that my midlife crisis is also atypical. Not that I didn't have fun. Even I did Burning Man in the late 1980s. But it was different then, smaller, full of creative flow, special. Now it's a professionally managed event, a spectacle for the masses that throng to it now. Too many people for me.

Japanese Iris in my garden

September 2010

So now I seek stability, but it eludes, even with regard to simple things. I will soon lose my faithful, ever-vigilant companion. My housemate is moving to Southern California, so of course, Piglet will join him sometime in the coming months. I will miss them both, but mostly I'll miss my quadripedal companion who accompanies me everywhere within walking distance.

I dread finding a new housemate. My previous housemate told me after he moved in that he couldn't pay rent, then stayed 3 years on the vague promise that he would pay his debt in full when he found work. I also worked my last job for free for a year on the vague promise my pay would be backfilled if/when the company received funding. As my financial situation descends into desperation, I hope to break free of being a sucker. But even more, I don't want to take advantage of others' kindness and fail to pay obligations I may accrue. I fear becoming my ex roommate more than I fear remaining a pushover.

As I type this in the wee hours of a sleepless night, the first winds of autumn are rattling my windows and shaking my trees and they sound fairly strong. They remind me that my neighbor's walnut tree, which is slowly dying, is leaning precariously over my garage. Maybe this is a good week to prune it back...

To Reach the Impossible...

San Francisco - Oakland Bay Bridge

From my Phonecam, January 2010

 ... is impossible. And yet that which I always want most is that which will always be far beyond my grasp. I would like to think that I use those wants to strive to do more and better things and that I take time to appreciate and enjoy each small progress. But I fear it is more a manifestation of some deep self loathing. Rather than striving for the achievable, I choose the unattainable, providing fodder for the argument of why I am a failure. That end goal will always be there to taunt me with what can never be.

Due in part to the faltering economy and in part to bad decisions stemming from poor judgement and unreasonable goals, I am in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment. I have been running away from my problems by spending more time online, but it is time to start turning things around by doing what I always do in times of crisis: taking a step away from everyone and everything and into myself -- my violin, my guitar, my housemate's drums, my brain -- so I can regroup, assess my situation and dig myself out. I am not sure what I will find on the other side, but I know that I need to get through on my own. The difference this time is that I wish I did have someone to lean on.  I hope that during my search within myself I do not lose what means the most to me.

Carnivora Canidae Canis Lupis

Surely, someone describing himself as the Big Bad Wolf in search of Red Riding Hood has much to hide and can only be trouble! Best to steer clear.  No problem, I'm a pro at avoidance.  Besides, he is on the other side of the world.

A comment here, a chat there. Then I am a one hour flight away, at least for two months. More chats. Hints of intelligence, depth, a few shared interests, and suddenly, I'm on that one hour flight.  I have a name and one photograph.  No backup plan.  Not doing well at steering clear.  What am I doing?!?

You are taller than I imagined! The lump in my throat restricts my breathing. I change my mind. You haven't seen me and are facing the other way. I can still turn tail. My mouth betrays my escape and says hello before my brain can stop it.

Now it's too late.  I am locked in for the weekend. Two weeks later, I lock myself in for another weekend.  The events are a blur, but I see you with clarity.  Clear, expressive, eyes that are kind one minute, and mischievous the next.  A somewhat serious set to your mouth that softens when we are alone.  The dimples that form as you laugh when you try to teach me to say "ich spreiche" and I fail miserably.

I return home reluctant to give up the happiness that has evaded me for so many years so soon. Plans to move halfway around the world take shape. They had been in the works before, but now they are much more appealing. Except they won't bear fruit for at least five months. A short visit at the four month mark provides some consolation.

Until then, you are again on the other side of the globe. I wonder whether I will be enough reason for you to end your search... and hope someone else won't in the meantime.