To Reach the Impossible...

San Francisco - Oakland Bay Bridge

From my Phonecam, January 2010

 ... is impossible. And yet that which I always want most is that which will always be far beyond my grasp. I would like to think that I use those wants to strive to do more and better things and that I take time to appreciate and enjoy each small progress. But I fear it is more a manifestation of some deep self loathing. Rather than striving for the achievable, I choose the unattainable, providing fodder for the argument of why I am a failure. That end goal will always be there to taunt me with what can never be.

Due in part to the faltering economy and in part to bad decisions stemming from poor judgement and unreasonable goals, I am in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment. I have been running away from my problems by spending more time online, but it is time to start turning things around by doing what I always do in times of crisis: taking a step away from everyone and everything and into myself -- my violin, my guitar, my housemate's drums, my brain -- so I can regroup, assess my situation and dig myself out. I am not sure what I will find on the other side, but I know that I need to get through on my own. The difference this time is that I wish I did have someone to lean on.  I hope that during my search within myself I do not lose what means the most to me.

More Dreams

Ocean Beach, San Francisco, CA

November 2009

Two and a half years ago, I could only remember two dreams I'd had in my lifetime.  Now, I have two more to add to the list.  Considering my past blissful ignorance of my dreams, to begin remembering them now is unsettling.  Even more disturbing is that the last two dreams occurred within two months of each-other.

Other people seem to be able to remember a chain of events in their dreams, but all I have is a quick snapshot.  In the first dream, I am on the beach with my friend, and we are running hand-in-hand away from something.  In the second, the same friend and I are again on a beach, but this time, he is carrying me and I am crying, not because of him, but because of some other unexplained thing.

I could only conclude that since I have suddenly remembered two dreams that my subconscious wants me to deal with something pressing, so I summoned my google-fu (thanks, Martina, it's a good word!) and found dreammoods.com.  Looking up the recalled elements of the dreams in the Dream Dictionary, I have come up with my own simplified amateur assessment of myself...

I'm avoiding a decision and I feel I am burdening someone, which has created negative emotions in me that I repress when I am awake.  And I am anxious about losing touch with my friend who possesses some quality that I covet, maybe because it will be key to overcoming my indecision.

... my dreams have pretty much stated the obvious, since I have been avoiding job hunting and therefore made myself a burden on my father, who should be enjoying his retirement instead of worrying over whether his kid is going to make it through life okay.  All I can say about this is that it was a good way to waste a few hours of looking for work!

Once in a Blue Moon

New Year's Eve Blue Moon

31 December 2009

2009 ended in the Bay Area with a blue moon obscured by clouds.  After sitting in the cold for a half hour waiting for a chance to capture the moon in all its glory, I gave up, shot what you see here, went inside to warm up, and rang in the new year quietly with traditional noodles, the dog, the cats, Iron Man, and my phone vibrating with a happy new year email from my friend.

My first thoughts of the new year were relatively frivolous.  I contemplated the advantage of being compared with Pepper Potts, rather than the Eve Teschmacher (from Superman) moniker bestowed on me by my boss (he gets to be called Doctor Evil).  First, I love alliteration!  Second, as a villain, Teschmacher is restricted to life underground, while Potts enjoys a relatively normal life. And of course, given that I am the most poorly paid person in comparison to others who do what I do (in his defense, he gave me a chance to manipulate numbers because he could see I was good with them when no one else would hire me because I had no finance/accounting background other than a few classes), I am envious that Tony pays Pepper well enough that she can afford to drive one of those sexy little Audi TT roadsters and well, I really love sexy little roadsters, although I'm more of a Porsche fan.  Yes, my midlife crisis is still in full swing.