Looking Back

Piglet and Steven head south

 Le cerveau est contrariant. Il oublie bien trop vite ce qu'on a besoin de se souvenir et ne se souvient que trop bien ce qu'on a besoin d'oublier.

The brain is a contrarian. It forgets all too quickly what we need to remember and remembers all too well what we need to forget.

I began blogging 5 years ago to work my way through my midlife crisis and attempt to find myself. I can now honestly say I am still lost! But I learned a little about myself.

Nasturtium in my garden
September 2010

My midlife crisis has been backward. Just as everyone in my peer group is becoming unsettled and breaking from obligations, I long for something or someone to call home. Many of my peers, recently divorced and/or with children old enough to spread their own wings, are reasserting their independence. I, who have been fiercely independent my whole life, never married, no kids, now yearn for a solid anchor point. Unfortunately, I still make the same mistakes: I fall hardest for the unattainable, and I think that will always be the case. The heart wants what it wants and mine always seems to want the impossible.

I've always been an oddball, though, so it should be no surprise that my midlife crisis is also atypical. Not that I didn't have fun. Even I did Burning Man in the late 1980s. But it was different then, smaller, full of creative flow, special. Now it's a professionally managed event, a spectacle for the masses that throng to it now. Too many people for me.

Japanese Iris in my garden

September 2010

So now I seek stability, but it eludes, even with regard to simple things. I will soon lose my faithful, ever-vigilant companion. My housemate is moving to Southern California, so of course, Piglet will join him sometime in the coming months. I will miss them both, but mostly I'll miss my quadripedal companion who accompanies me everywhere within walking distance.

I dread finding a new housemate. My previous housemate told me after he moved in that he couldn't pay rent, then stayed 3 years on the vague promise that he would pay his debt in full when he found work. I also worked my last job for free for a year on the vague promise my pay would be backfilled if/when the company received funding. As my financial situation descends into desperation, I hope to break free of being a sucker. But even more, I don't want to take advantage of others' kindness and fail to pay obligations I may accrue. I fear becoming my ex roommate more than I fear remaining a pushover.

As I type this in the wee hours of a sleepless night, the first winds of autumn are rattling my windows and shaking my trees and they sound fairly strong. They remind me that my neighbor's walnut tree, which is slowly dying, is leaning precariously over my garage. Maybe this is a good week to prune it back...