anywhere i go you go, my dear
and whatever is done
and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling
from: I Carry Your Heart With Me
- E.E. Cummings -
It has been said that 50% of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. I have never been married, and I come from parents whose marriage ended when my mother died in my father's arms, a victim of a sudden, but thankfully, relatively painless heart attack. But I can see how people who once felt they had an infinite amount of love to offer each-other can grow apart.
Some are able to make the transition gracefully, and move on without carrying the bitterness that can weigh down one's whole being. Some are not so graceful, and leave one or both participants with deeper scars than the events leading to the divorce. I have managed to avoid being caught up in the tide of angst of the latter type... until now... and only by virtue of having rented a room to one of the participants.
Walking into the café where I've bought my coffee beans for over 20 years this afternoon, I was told by the soon-to-be-ex wife of my renter that she "ain't sellin' [me] sh*t". I could understand the hostility if I'd been the lover of her soon-to-be-ex husband, and of course I would not have had the gall to walk into her domain if I were, but somehow, I thought the landlord would be safe from the ire!
Luckily, I can buy coffee elsewhere, but their family and friends are not so lucky. As I contemplate the stanza above from E.E. Cummings, I realize that the greater amount of equity people share, the more connected their lives remain even after warm feelings pass away. Two people who cared for each-other enough to marry and raise two children together are unable to keep a personal dispute between the two of them. Everyone close to them will be forced to take sides if this attitude prevails, and the whole family, not just the marriage, will be broken. It saddens me that partners who worked together for so long cannot find it within themselves to make one last push to work together to smooth the end of one era and move on to happier futures.
I think there are some marriages that are salvageable that people let fall apart unnecessarily. Watching something that once was so beautiful fall apart does destroy everyone connected in the process. In a society so bent on instant gratification, no one seems to want to try anymore.
ReplyDeleteThat having been said, I am the child of a failed marriage. My parents married while still in college, part out of love and part out of my mother discovering she was pregnant. My parents divorced shortly after I graduated from high school. I remember as a child my older brother and I both agreed that our parents should be divorced. They tried for more than 20 years and never could get it right. Now they are good friends, still managing to rile each other now and again as in any relationship.
The wounds my brother and I bore from their chaotic marriage have been slow to heal. My brother married a woman similar to my mother and is repeating my parents' marriage in ways I can't even begin to describe (minus the pregnancy before marriage). I am still not married in part because I am scared of doing the same.
There are many marriages that can be saved that fall to the wayside. But then there are marriages that should end as the damage of them ending is far less than the damage caused by them continuing.
I am sorry that you have been caught in the middle. It is unfortunate and childish. Hopefully once the wounds are not so fresh things will settle to some semblance of civility.
Marriage is a complicated agreement. In the past, spouses may have been chosen based on economic compatibility or status. In this era, more people tend to use immediate emotional attachment as their primary criteria. Which I guess only proves that there is no guaranteed formula that will determine success!
ReplyDeleteFortunately for me, my entanglement was only momentary, but not everyone has that luxury. I may be idealistic in this line of thinking, but I believe the rest of their family shouldn't suffer just because the two of them can't get along with each-other. I'm hoping they'll be able to put on cooperative faces for the sake of the little ones, particularly since there are two small grandchildren to think about.
Always difficult to be in the middle - with whom to side when one doesn't want to take sides. After all, there are always two sides.
ReplyDeleteBeen married for 32 years - and have overcome many tribulations. Some that others face, I've never had to deal with, but marriage brings great compromise and forgiveness - often. Currently reading "The History of the Wife" for my May book club selection. Just began last night, so should bring good fodder to my mind.
Kobico - how lovely to see your comment on my blog. I have been most remiss myself, but most happy to see you.
That was a very uncalled for comment on the coffee matter. It's ridiculous how attitudes pan out and effect others during the split.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to see you too, Julie!
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that heads will cool down a little once feelings aren't quite so raw, Helena.
Higamus hogamus
ReplyDeleteWoman's monogamous
Hogamus higamus
Man is polygamous
Ah, if only the explanation had been that simple, Tim. Good to see you.
ReplyDelete