One of my online contacts recently wrote a blog entry about love letters. Every line written to her had been in electronic format, and she longed for the shared tactility of a written letter. We have moved from valuing the tangible to preferring the convience of some vague series of electronic signals that don't use perceptible physical space. Cash may be king, but electronic transfers negate the need for a receipt, or direct human interaction.Accidental Exposure, May 2010
As I read about "sweet notes crammed with inside jokes, long letters filled with promises of things to come and messages short on punctuation but long on thought" written to her at different stages, I was struck by the fact that I have no such collection, virtual or solid. No one has ever composed promise-filled sweet nothings just for me. It made me a little sad.Deep Thought, March 2010
Much of that reality is due to my own choices. I am a workaholic, and when not working, I am a recluse. I socialize, but rarely go beyond the superficial. I fall for men who are, ultimately, unavailable to me. All this largely because as much as I want to be able to trust in someone else, fundamentally I believe that the only person I can truly rely on is myself. I've created a world that is less secure, and more lonely, than the one I had planned. But since it's the only world I know, I would be hard pressed to create a new one.
I think there are many women (and men) who don't have that collection of those 'sweet notes', or that secure life that most dream of when they contemplate the future. The notes are generally written by someone who is brain-wired for that type of communication anyway, and in the early stages of romance which are fueled by hormones, wine, and roses. And that secure life many times doesn't live up to the expectations that the sweet notes promised!
ReplyDeleteI do not agree with the first comment and what I feel 'sweet notes' are come from those that wish to convey emotions a mere rose or dinner out cannot say. You will find your 'sweet notes' writer, just when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI had hoped to provide for my own security, Linda. I began working when I was old enough to wield a dust rag in my parents' pharmacy, saving for retirement as soon as I was old enough to be added to payroll, and didn't stop until I lost my job last year. I didn't expect that I would not be able to find some kind of work and that I'd have to live on my nest egg.
ReplyDeleteI think it's too late for me, Jules. I am beyond the age where romance is giddy and men write sweet notes.
Sometimes realizing where we have put ourselves is the first step towards any kind of change. I think, too, that many acts between men and women lose their romance in the receiving gender's interpretation. I had to learn to find those "promise-filled sweet nothings" in actions rather than words.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger, I had the usual rebellious streak that led to dating "bad boys". I realized that they were never going to compose anything for me in any form. I began to see how they cared in what they did to try and take care of me or support my endeavors, whether it be changing the oil on my car or try to teach me something I knew nothing about.
I also don't think anyone is ever beyond the age where romance is giddy. My lovely aunt, after her first husband died, found the love of her life well into her 60's when she had resigned herself to being alone. I had never seen her so full of life, wonder, and love until she found her current husband. She is part of what keeps hope alive in me despite the odds that speak against it.
Perhaps I am a little naive and deluded. If so, I'd like to stay that way. While I don't need someone in my life to validate my existence, I would like to think I would greet the opportunity to share my life with someone with an open heart and joy.
Don't count yourself out yet. I've said time and again when the right person comes along for someone, if you want them you will make time for them and they for you.
You're up late, CM, I think you're a couple hours ahead of me!
ReplyDeleteI have never been the kind of woman that men exert much effort on. I think that in many respects I'm so low maintenance it's easy to take me for granted.
And romance has never been head over heels for me. The relative attractiveness of my body has been frequently mentioned by men for a long time. I wonder if it is the only thing they notice, if it's the only thing I have to offer. And I wonder if I will be noticed at all once it succombs to the years. I have been jaded in this way for so long, I never let myself do the giddy thing, not even with Lobo, although he's the closest I ever got to it.
I don't think you're deluded. We're just very different in some respects.
There is no reason why an attractive, intelligent woman with a sense of humor and low maintenance to boot (highly valued by men) HAS to be alone!
ReplyDeleteWe can change any situation--the key to that is being MOTIVATED to do it. We should ask ourselves: What is the PAYOFF we're receiving for maintaining the status quo? As strange as it sounds, people can be addicted to feeling bad. I've had some acquaintances like that, and you can bet that they were getting SOMETHING out of it--even if it was just sympathy or attention they didn't receive as a child. Not saying that's your particular situation, just illustrating my point.
About the lack of giddiness--that seems to be a reluctance to allow oneself to be vulnerable, because the more vulnerable we become, the better chance we'll get hurt. If you can let yourself go and be giddy, you're opening yourself up to that. But some people--true romantics they be--think that it's worth it. One is not truly alive unless he is willing to put himself on the line to experience the full range of human emotion.
Having said all that, I'd be happy to kiss it and make it well.
I feel lonely, Tim, but I wouldn't say that's bad. Or good. It just is. Even occasional sadness isn't bad. It lets me know I'm still human. And I need that. Maybe that is my payoff.
ReplyDeleteAs for resistance to vulnerability, I prefer to think of it as keeping my wits about me :-) I did leave behind family, friends, home and a stable (granted, part-time) job to move to Europe to be near my last boyfriend. Although giddiness wasn't present, I still put myself in a pretty vulnerable position.
With my night work schedule, I stay up at night even on my days off. This, unfortunately, is about as social as my life gets anymore. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that the main focus of the compliments that you have received from men has been about your body. You are so much more than that and they have missed out. I remember when the only thing that used to be focused on was my chest size. When I lost that, I thought I had lost everything. Turns out no matter what your body turns into, men will still chase after it at any age.
Perhaps giddy for you is just a more vulnerable position than you would normally put yourself in, as you did with Lobo. It is more of a risk than I have ever had to take in the respect that you left all you did behind.
I understand being taken for granted. I was because I was often too accommodating and understanding. I didn't ask for much and got that much in return.
If you never find anything else, I hope that you at least once in your life find someone that doesn't take you for granted and sees your inner beauty as well.
Thanks, CM. I am not too worried at this point about meeting anyone else as much as I am focusing on being more comfortable with myself. And for that, I have some good friends.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I think I should clarify that the relationship between Lobo and myself was good. Bad timing and circumstances are ultimately what pulled us apart.
i love the accidental exposure. You are getting very avant garde with your photographs!
ReplyDeleteI should accidentally hit the shutter more often!
ReplyDeleteFor Lobo: I will cherish the letter you sent last week forever.
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