I'm Off!

I didn't realize the value of time until recently.  Between my day job, teaching at night, brushing up on my French, trying to learn German, and trying to find time to job hunt, free time has become a scarce commodity... and sleep a luxury item!  My schedule is beginning to take its toll, as I've had a hard time concentrating the last month or so and am perpetually exhausted!

I look forward to my upcoming vacation much more than any other.  For the first time, I actually need the break away from work, which is an odd feeling for me.  And because I haven't seen him in four months, I covet the few days I'll have with Lobo.  No amount of electronic communication can replace the experience of seeing expression and body language, hearing vocal intonations, and feeling someone's warmth and substance when interacting in person.

Given my need to separate myself from my routine, it is somewhat ironic I have chosen to vacation in one of the two cities in which my boss spends the bulk of his time.  Luckily, I know the names of the places he frequents and can avoid them.  In some ways, it's good to be the bean counter.

I haven't been online much lately, and will likely be on even less this week, if at all, but I hope to post photos at some point (unless they are all bad).  Well, my plane leaves tomorrow afternoon and I'm not finished packing!

My Home

In 1950, there were relatively few neighborhoods in San Mateo where people of Japanese ethnicity could buy a house and feel relatively at home. My paternal grandparents bought a lot in the older section of town, an area that was, and still is, populated largely by ethnic minorities. People abandon this neighborhood when they can, but I am reluctant to give up something my grandparents worked so hard to turn into a home.

My grandfather, a gardener, initially built a tiny, 2-bedroom house with a friend of his, where my grandparents and father stayed until the main house was built. This house still stands, and you can see one side of it next to the orange tree on the lower right. It now holds mementos and tools, and occasionally my car.

The fireplace in the photo is in my living room. It wasn't used much before I moved in and I had to have quite a bit of work done on it to get it into safe, working condition. This photo contains other photos of several family members, and I think it will be one that will keep me company when I am homesick.

Steven will stay and take care of the house and the animals we've accumulated. My financial situation is uncertain, so I may not be able to return as often as I'd like. It's good to have someone I trust to take care of everything. In writing this, I am faced with those nearest and dearest to me -- animals (bipedal and quadripedal), plants and inanimate objects I won't see regularly for awhile, possibly years -- and I feel a tad sentimental. But pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and immersing myself in more of the world before I am too old to do so are high on my priority list. Leaving home is something I need to do.

Not that I don't have insecurities, the major one being I don't have a job yet. There is the very real possibility I won't find one. I haven't picked a good time to look for work! I could try to find some unfilled niche and create my own job...

And there's Lobo. Being separated by so much time and distance is stressful. The possibility that he changes his mind about me, I don't live up to his memory or expectations of me, or we ultimately want different and non-complementary things from our relationship is always in the back of my mind.

A couple of years ago, I wrote about the uncertainty I was feeling in hitting middle age, although much of my insecurity couldn't be attributed to middle age so much as carryover from an insecure youth. Since then, my midlife experiences have fostered much in the way of personal growth, some painful and some pleasurable. I think the next year or two will continue that trend. I am hopeful it will involve more pleasure than pain, but knowing how life works, am prepared for the reverse.

Enchanted's New Quiz

1. Do you like blue cheese?  Yes
2. Have you ever smoked?  Not habitually, but tried a few times
3. Do you own a gun?
 - Do water cannons count?
4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite?  Possibly Cherry?
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
 - No. Never had health problems (knock on wood)
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
 - They taste weird and the texture is odd, but I'll eat chicken & turkey dogs.
7. Favorite Christmas film(s)?  Bad Santa!
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?  coffee or tea
9. Can you do push ups?
 - It would look bad if the PE teacher couldn't do push ups
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?  Black pearl pendant
11. Favorite hobby?
 - I don't think I can narrow it down to one.
12. Do you have A.D.D.?  No
13. What's one trait you dislike about yourself?
 - I don't give up, even when I should
14. Middle name: yes
15. Name thoughts at this exact moment?
 - I need to sleep more hours at night
16. Name drinks you regularly drink?
 - Tea, coffee, hot cocoa and water
17. Current worry?
 - Not being able to find a job (relatively) close to my boyfriend
18. Current hate right now?
 - Organ meats (probably why I don't like hot dogs) and okra
19. Favorite place to be?
 - Snuggled up in bed on clean sheet day!
20. How did you bring in the new year?
 - Most likely, one of my friends had a party.
21. Where would you like to go?
 - Prague, Great Wall, the Karakoram Range, Macchu Picchu... so many places!
23. Do you own slippers?
 - Several pair, and I wear them, too, because I'm always cold!
24. What shirt are you wearing?
 - Exercise bra top with two sweatshirts over it
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
 - I've never tried, but I think they'd be too cold.
26. Can you whistle?
 - Only by sticking my fingers in my mouth
27. Favorite color?  Violet
28. Would you be a pirate?
 - No - I couldn't live on a crowded boat
 - Plus, I'm not really good at robbing and killing people in that fashion
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
 - Old Michael Jackson songs
30. What's in your pocket right now? - Lint
31. Last thing that made you laugh?  - My housemate
32. What vehicle do you drive?
 - 2003 5-speed Mazda MX-5 Miata (used to be called EOS in Japan)
33. Worst injury you've ever had?
 - Possibly when I snapped my left fibula in the caves at Pinnacles monument
I had to crawl out of the cave with my then-11 year old nieces crying
and then hop up a flight of stairs so I could get to a place where the rangers
could put me on a stretcher and carry me down the hill
34. Do you love where you live? - Yes
35. How many TVs do you have in your house?
 - 1? I have none, and I *think* my housemate has 1
36. Who is your loudest friend?
 - Greg has a pretty voluminous voice
 - We frequent Peninsula Coffee Roaster
37. Do you have any pets?  - yes
38. Does someone have a crush on you?
 - I'm too ornery and ugly
39. Your favorite book(s)?
Mario Vargas Llosa's older books, Surely You're Joking Mr Feynman,
Snow Falling on Cedars (no, I didn't see the film)...
40. Do you collect anything? - I try not to
41. Favorite Sports Team?
 - Nope. I know, you'd think a PE teacher & former coach would be a big sports fan.
42. What song do you want played at your funeral?
My niece has instructions to scatter my ashes at several places around the world,
but I don't plan on having any kind of formal service.

Carnivora Canidae Canis Lupis

Surely, someone describing himself as the Big Bad Wolf in search of Red Riding Hood has much to hide and can only be trouble! Best to steer clear.  No problem, I'm a pro at avoidance.  Besides, he is on the other side of the world.

A comment here, a chat there. Then I am a one hour flight away, at least for two months. More chats. Hints of intelligence, depth, a few shared interests, and suddenly, I'm on that one hour flight.  I have a name and one photograph.  No backup plan.  Not doing well at steering clear.  What am I doing?!?

You are taller than I imagined! The lump in my throat restricts my breathing. I change my mind. You haven't seen me and are facing the other way. I can still turn tail. My mouth betrays my escape and says hello before my brain can stop it.

Now it's too late.  I am locked in for the weekend. Two weeks later, I lock myself in for another weekend.  The events are a blur, but I see you with clarity.  Clear, expressive, eyes that are kind one minute, and mischievous the next.  A somewhat serious set to your mouth that softens when we are alone.  The dimples that form as you laugh when you try to teach me to say "ich spreiche" and I fail miserably.

I return home reluctant to give up the happiness that has evaded me for so many years so soon. Plans to move halfway around the world take shape. They had been in the works before, but now they are much more appealing. Except they won't bear fruit for at least five months. A short visit at the four month mark provides some consolation.

Until then, you are again on the other side of the globe. I wonder whether I will be enough reason for you to end your search... and hope someone else won't in the meantime.

It's Fleet Week

Sitting in my office yesterday, trying to close out the third quarter nine days after it ends (my bosses have no sense of how much time it takes to collect all the data -- and they work on cash rather than accrual basis). Outside my window, four blue streaks overtake a commercial jet in the SFO landing pattern, making it look like it's suspended in place in midair. The Blue Angels are in town.

They must have touched down and taken right off again, because they circled back into the landing pattern again not long after. I have to admit, they are not all that interesting to me. Given that their sole purpose is to be a recruiting tool for the Navy and Marines (even though they are mainly seen as an entertainment group), I'm not their target audience, anyway -- I'm middle-aged, female and have poor eyesight. Oh, and sonic booms hurt my ears.

I kind of wonder what percentage of Navy and Marine recruits join up because of the Blue Angels' influence. Realistically, the chances of making the 6-man squad, or even the 110-man support crew, are pretty low. Maybe the alternative of serving on ships isn't all that bad.