Rue Lafayette, Metz, France
April 2009
In retrospect, I doomed myself to failure before I left home. I had no job offer, no real strategy for job hunting or even an idea of how to go about job hunting in France, and I was going to a relatively small city (with relatively few jobs). But I was in love and sure I could make things work by sheer will.
Four months later, I headed back home to California with my tail between my legs. No job. No prospects. And still in love, but not so sure about the relationship.
For those of you who have known Lobo online, you know that he can speak intelligently about socio-political issues, modern art, and jazz and can be funny, flirty and clever. He is not good at talking about his feelings, however, and I am not good at figuring out non-verbal cues. I was not in Metz long when I began to feel that everything had come from my own enthusiasm and I had projected my feelings onto Lobo just because I'd wanted it to be that way. Although he finally told me what I had so desperately needed to hear from him, the timing was such that I wasn't sure whether he was telling me how he actually felt or saying what I wanted to hear so I wouldn't feel a complete fool.
So here I am one year after the biggest risk I have ever taken in my life. In a direct sense, I lost big in that I failed in reaching my two main goals of that journey -- some kind of meaningful work and a solid relationship with someone I care about -- and my self-esteem took a beating.
But indirectly, I made unforeseen gains. I discovered I can actually start fresh in a new place without knowing anyone, and that I am capable of meeting new people and making new friends. I did not stretch those bounds when I lived in Bristol, because I was so focused on work -- I regret not getting out more and being more people-oriented in England. Okay, I also did one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life and got into a car with a complete stranger who I suspect was cruising for prostitutes and let him buy me dinner.
I am feeling a bit nostalgic tonight (actually, this morning, as it is 5:00 am, but I haven't slept yet, so to me it's still night) about this whole adventure. A little sad, because of the lack of success in my mission and also going back to France to live is out of the realm of possibility for me right now, and I really do like it there. But I also feel fortunate in that I did grow from the experience, I have good friends and a loving family who have been there to support me, and I also made some good friends during my journey -- I love all of you. And I still love you, Lobo. I always will.
Hola Kobico!
ReplyDeleteI mentioned you on my blog today. Hope that you are doing just merveilleux.
I think most of us have something in our past that did not turn out like we had hoped it would. Perhaps it was something that was done at the wrong point in our lives, or wasn't thought out thoroughly. But it sounds like you do have some good memories of it, and you did prove to yourself that you can be self-sufficient, which is huge! Too bad it took a chunk of your self-esteem at the same time. (I learned more about you by following your links, so I have a better 'fix' on you now.)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Clementina! I'm honored you thought of me.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Linda, I am usually a good planner, but this was definitely one of my more impetuous undertakings.
So many times have I thought about upping and leaving to live in London - something I won't do until my sons' full time education is complete - but I think I am kidding myself that I'd be happy there. My twin and daughter have both settled there and I love it.
ReplyDeleteYou gave it a shot, Kobico. That's far more than I think I'll ever do. But I admire the nostalgia you still attach with it.
I admire the fact that you took on the responsibility to set down roots and raise children, Helena. You have done a fantastic job of fostering their creativity. That is something that would be difficult for me to do... I am not a patient person!
ReplyDeleteThere is something about this well-written piece that makes me feel you may be starting to come out of your funk. I'll celebrate with another cold one!
ReplyDeleteHaha, well, I WAS feeling a little better, Tim, then I went to jury duty and became a Bitter Bonnie all over again! Not over having to go, mind you, but the system in general. There is a lot of waste in our governmental agencies.
ReplyDeletekobico I found you by way of Taza de Chocolate blog. And just by reading this one post, I for some unknown reason feel as though I can so relate to you. But my biggest question is: how is life in France? What is it like living there? I have fancied that it would be nice to live there.....
ReplyDeleteThank you, Yaya. Lorraine, where I was, has a German influence that can be seen in things like the food and architecture. It has a large enough population to have interesting activities happening regularly, but not so large as to feel impersonal.
ReplyDeleteDepending on where you're from, things may seem downright slow and overly formal. When you walk into a store, you can expect to be greeted and when you walk out, whether you've bought anything or not, you can expect a good-bye and everyone is monsieur or madame. The big cities are less formal and I suspect the southern parts of the country may be more casual as well, since those tend to be more frequented by holiday-goers.
I didn't have a car there, but didn't really miss it, either. Public transportation is good and there are many discount programs for bus and rail lines, depending on the type of traveling you tend to do, and the ticket agents were also very helpful -- there are fewer Anglophones in Lorraine than somewhere like Paris, but the people of Lorraine also tend to be a bit more patient.
For housing, be prepared to show some kind of credit history, such as tax returns or bank statements (that said, my references turned out to be unnecessary with the woman I rented from, as I paid my deposit and first month's rent in cash). Also, renters' insurance is obligatory in France (mine came out to about 4€ per month for a 20 square meter studio). There is also an occupancy tax if you are living there on the first of the year.
I think the most important thing when living anywhere is actually a bank account! In pretty much any country, you will most likely need a bank account in that country to open utility accounts (gas/electric/phone/internet/tv). Don't rely too much on PayPal. PayPal is not a bank, although it does a pretty good job of acting like one, which can be fine as long as nothing goes wrong. However, if things do go wrong, PayPal is not subject to banking regulations, so it can be more difficult to iron out problems with them. Plus, the float on PayPal transactions can be a week long, whereas from bank to bank it's two days at most.
I think the experience you have depends on what you want from where you live and also what you do for a living, although I think people with an entrepreneurial bent can be good at finding a niche wherever they go. I hope this helps!
Sounds like you have come full circle to reflect on your choices. That is how we grow.
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ReplyDeleteCoucou Kobiko
ReplyDeleteJe suis sortie de mon petit cocon et je suis venue te saluer.
Notre regard est toujours très critique pour nous même donc c'est important de ne pas s'isoler et d'avoir un cercle d'amis. Il faut toujours garder à l'esprit qu'il n'y a pas d'échecs, seulement des leçons à tirer de nos expériences.
Le printemps est là. profites-en et je te souhaites une très belle fin de semaine.
Bises
In some ways, Julie, I feel like I'm going through the growth spurt I should have had 20 years ago. But I was a very rigid, very structured person back then.
ReplyDeleteOublier les leçons de la vie peut être trop facile parfois. Tu me manquais, Gelisa.
You sound far older than your years...and that's meant to be a compliment. Wiser, perhaps, is the better word. To go through such an experience and come out of it feeling fortunate because you "did grow from the experience, I have good friends and a loving family who have been there to support me, and I also made some good friends during my journey." That's an old soul speaking, and I congratulate you.
ReplyDeleteHappier days are ahead.
I often think these are things I should have done in my twenties, Ethel, so I feel as though I am experiencing life later than others. It's good to see you up and about.
ReplyDelete"I feel like I'm going through the growth spurt I should have had 20 years ago."
ReplyDeletePerhaps, but you wouldn't have the experience to learn like you do now. I hate how that works - sometimes. Onward.
And upward ... but not too far up, I'm afraid of heights!
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